filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We had sex on a dog bed..
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
