i was born a porn star she said
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
