yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
