HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
