girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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