i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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