I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
