two words: eviction party
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
