So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
