3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
