So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
