Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
