I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
