I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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