Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
