2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
