lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
