How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
