I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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