Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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