I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
