Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My breath smells like gin and sadness
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
