I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
