yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
