im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
