There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
