Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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