she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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