soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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