I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
