woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
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i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
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I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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