My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
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I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
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Those nachos came to me in a dream
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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