i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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