literally had 100 drinks last night.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
