mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
