we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
