Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I need to calm my uterus...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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