i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
