I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Verdict: uncircumcised.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
