if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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