Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
