remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
