Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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