i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
