i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
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He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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