You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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