If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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