Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
