This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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