PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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