I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
