I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
