So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
