trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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