For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
