Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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