Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
