Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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